I love you Mom

My latest trip was to San Jose California to work on the same obsolete instrument that took me to Boston a few months ago. I did not fly dressed this time because it would have required me to get up at 3:30AM to get ready and out of the house before my daughter was up and about, and I just didn�t want it THAT bad! Lol
My flight and first evening there was pretty boring with nothing of much interest taking place. I tried out a couple of outfit ideas and was not terribly pleased.



I wound up wearing one of my �comfort� outfits to go shopping and to dinner. By �comfort outfit�, I mean it is an outfit that I feel comfortable and confident in.
The next day, fixing the instrument I came to work on turned out to be a great deal harder than I had anticipated. I was there to do a routine laser replacement but the instrument turned out to have a number of other significant problems. I was stuck in their clean room from 8:30 until 5:30 with no potty or lunch breaks. Up to the very end I didn�t think I would succed in getting it up and running but I DID eventually �git er done�!






That night I met Niya at �The Savoy� � a mostly lesbian bar. It was a nice place and not TOO crowded, though Niya told me that this was unusual and it was normally packed. While I waited for Niya to arrive, I played a game of pool and noticed a woman sitting by herself. I thought she was TG but I wasn�t sure. I didn�t want to intrude on her because sometimes lesbians get fairly irritated with crossdressers trying to hook up with them, and I didn�t want to start off the night by irritating someone. Well, it turned out that this woman was TG and her name is Angela Chase. She is a friend of Niya�s and so we all chatted quite a bit that night. Niya was really cool. She is cute, smart, and VERY confident!
So we were sitting next to the dance floor chatting when a number of women got out there and started dancing. Several were cute, and one was a very . . .err. . . aggressive dancer. While not to the point where I would use the word �drunk�, she had clearly had a little too much to drink and was damn near having sex on the dance floor with her partners. This filled me with the usual conflicting emotions. Envy, because she was really quite cute and bold and I wondered what it would be like to be bold like her, and also wondered what it would be like to dance with her.
You see dancing has always terrified me. I used to work on a nuclear missile, climbed mountains with out safety gear, rappelled off the same cliff that Geronimo jumped off of. I travel the country and go exploring it as a crossdresser. All this I do with no problem. Dancing however terrifies me and so I�ve probably only done it twice in my life. It doesn�t have to make sense or be based on logic, and you don�t have to understand why. It�s enough to know that it DOES.
Keeping that thought in mind, you can understand why I was more than a little flustered when a reasonably attractive Genetic Girl (GG � AKA a �real� woman) from the group on the dance floor came up and asked me to dance! I think it�s quite a compliment that a GG found me interesting enough to ask, but . . . no, not gonna happen.
�Thank you so much, but I don�t dance!� I told her. She looked at me and smiled, clearly thinking I was just being coy.
�Your kidding, you don�t dance at all?� she asked.
�Nope. It scares the hell outta me and I don�t do it.� I guess she found that amusing because she actually pulled up a chair at our table.


�So let me get this straight,� she said. �You have those beautiful blue eyes, that cute blue sweater that sets them off, you spent the time to do your hair so nicely, and you are not going to dance?�
�You got it!� I told her, feeling the blood rushing to my head in a combination of blush and panic.
OK, so here come the conflicting emotions again. I think it is so cool that she is interested in me, but just the thought of my clumsy self on a dance floor makes my heart explode in my chest.
�So what if I were to tell you that you are really cute, and I really wanted to dance with you, and you would crush my feelings if you said no?�
�Well,� I said, �In that case I would tell you that I am VERY flattered and grateful you asked, and I�m sure your crushed feelings will heal, but I�m still not dancing!�
There was then some discussion at the table as to weather I might dance with one of her friends who I had earlier said that I found cute. I think she took that as a challenge, because she walked off toward the dance floor where the other girls was dancing. I thought there was a fair chance that I was about to have two pretty girls trying to drag me onto the dance floor and just about panicked. I turned to Niya who had been watching all of this with amusement. She must have seen the deer in the headlights look in my eyes because she very quickly agreed to go play a game of pool with me. (Thank you thank you thank you Niya!)


The next morning everything went to hell. I had just started my drive from San Jose in Northern California to Yucca Valley in Southern California to visit my Mother who is in very poor health, when I got a call from my sister. She wanted to know how far away I was because there was a fair chance my Mother might not live long enough for me to arrive. I was making this trip because I knew she was in poor health, but it had been no where near this urgent. I was stunned to find out that while I was in a club last night enjoying myself, my mother had been surrounded by hospice professionals trying to keep her alive as all of her vitals were crashing. When I did arrive, I was told that she was MUCH better than she had been the night before, but still I was stunned to see her. I have never seen a living being that skinny. She has no muscle or fat left and is just bones and skin. A grown woman and she weighs no more than 80 pounds. My brother, sister, and myself spent the rest of the day with her, but it was mostly talking to her, not with her. She responded once or twice, but it was clear she was not lucid or truly with us.
Sometimes life requires that we do things we don�t want to do. While not mentally at her best, she seemed physically stable and I couldn�t stay there for weeks or months waiting for the moment when she dies, and so I headed for home. As I was driving from the Austin airport to my home, I called my sister to check on things. Every one was in tears and she told me that my mother had gotten even worse from when I had seen her that morning. I guess in the entire day she had only woke up twice, taken a few deep breaths, and gone right back to sleep. They tried to give her food and water but she can�t swallow.
I had to pull off the road for a few minutes to get my act back together. My brother and sister kept telling me that I had done the right thing and come to see her and that there was no need to feel guilty for not being there right now, but I think they�re wrong. Thank I�m flat broke so thank God I�ve got so many frequent flier miles. With only about four hours of sleep in the last 48, I am in the airport right now headed back for California where I hope to hug my mother one last time.